Friday, March 15, 2013

Holding Pattern ... Stuck in the Now & the Not Yet ...

Do you ever feel like you are circling the airport and uncertain when to land? Waiting for something to happen amidst nothing happening? For awhile your schedule is so busy you can hardly breathe …. Meetings, rehearsals, outings, commitments … you are over the top. You need a break. Then, you get one and catch up. The house is clean. The work is done. The commitments are kept and wrapped up. The projects are up to date.

Now what?

To me it’s like circling the airport and waiting to land. I see my destination but I have to wait. And I am no good at waiting. Boredom sets in as I wait for the next door to open. I grow restless. Nothing satisfies. I wait for the Control Tower to waive me in …. Will it waive me in or will the waiting just continue?

This is the week I’ve been waiting for. I have a big audition. I have been preparing for and thinking about this audition for so very long. I’m ready. I think. But I still have to wait. Wait for it to finally happen. Wait a day between the audition for callbacks. Wait to find out if I’m cast. Wait … wait …. Wait.

The world won’t end one way or another. I’ve grown in the preparation. Of course I say that now. If I don’t get it, I will have 24 hours to feel absolutely crushed before picking myself up and moving on to the next project. The next audition. The next show. The next creative outlet. The next get together. The next thing I wait for ..

This is one of those weeks that I want to just fast forward four days to Friday when this will all be over and the decision is made and I can move forward again instead of circling the airport. I’m out here on my own on this one. It’s all me. I’d just as soon it was over and the challenge met. But, no such luck, I have to wait.

When I have to wait, I am invariably caught up. I have reached that organizational point in my life where I really have nothing earth-shattering happening, nothing demanding my attention and I find myself craving any distraction I can get. When I have to wait, the world slows down. People stop calling. My Facebook notifications are null. No texts. No shows to watch or people to talk to. It’s as though the universe knows I’m waiting and seeks this moment to torment me. The world is silent and my brain churns.

But, I wait. The only thing I hold onto here is Hope. In waiting, I don’t know the outcome. I wait for what might be. What might happen. What might go my way. I don’t look at any negative outcomes. Those I deal with should they come …. if they come. I Hope I get the role … the job … the project … the appointment … the call…

So in this Holding Pattern I find Hope. And I wait for the day when the Wait is over and I can land … wherever I’m meant to land.

P.S. I got the part. After the interminable wait and two grueling days of auditions, I landed as Becca in Rabbit Hole. After a year of thinking about it and waiting for this week. After hours and hours of preparation and study and reading and all the analysis that goes into getting ready for an audition like this, I got the part. The wait is over. And now a new journey begins …