Tuesday, March 26, 2013

When Everything Is Grey ...

There is a point each year when I find myself bogged down with “The Greys.” No, I didn’t mean to say “The Blues.” Blue to me is a peaceful, wistful shade. No for me, it’s “The Greys,” which tend to arrive in late February or early March. It’s the time of the year when I’m weary of all the clothes in my closet and I long for bright color and a warm breeze. It’s the time of the year when I’ve had enough of Winter and dream of birdsong and green leaves bursting out on the trees.

When I find myself in The Greys, I know I’m not alone. I notice other people. They seem grey … dreary. Tired. The bounce is lacking in their step and the twinkle in their eyes is dulled.

The Greys hit about the point when Winter has overstayed its welcome. Now, I live in a part of the country with four seasons. I like that. I like Winter … the snow, the blue-grey winter sky, the trees painted with white sparkles. But when winter is just dull and cold and blah … well, I’m done. And I fall victim to The Greys.

I’ll admit, I wallow a bit. But then … I  make different choices. I find some color in my closet. I choose a brighter lipstick and nail color. I try to change up my activities with a new creative project or book or exercise choice. I put a new peppy playlist on my iPod. To bounce myself from The Greys, I need to make active choices. I can't wait for someone to save me ... I rescue myself.

Sometimes I travel … a vacation to a sunny spot where I change my habits for a week or so. But that isn't always possible. So, when I go out, I make sure to add an Orange slice to my Blue Moon or ask for a sweet lime to place in my Tonic Water. The bubbles amidst the soft green lime change my perpsective. They sparkle a bit and give me a more effervescent feeling. At this time, I take brisk walks in the chilly air, breathing deeply and visualizing or meditating. Whatever it takes. I can’t stay in The Greys long. I fight the tendency they bring with them to succomb to the lows. To doubt and fearful thoughts of inadequacy or isolation. To retreat inside myself. To curl up in a ball and wait for something to happen to change things around me.

No, for me The Greys are a signal that I need to up the anty … I need to make different choices and decide to find the little joys in the world around me. It's these moments that I need to be most active. To engage. To choose to make the most of times when I'm not truly unhappy but I'm not in a blissful place. There are times that I just exist ... that's okay. But The Greys are a dangerous place for me to dwell too long. They create a hypnotic, inactive realm ... The Greys. And I can't sparkle or shine there. Few can.

Are you suffering from The Greys? If so, it’s all up to you where you go next. Me, I’m choosing a ladder and a change of focus. I’m choosing Hope. I’m choosing to remember that with this time of year, spring is just waiting to burst out. That if I can hang on long enough I will be once again surrounded by bright color and that warm breeze I long for. That The Greys may try to sap my strength and damper my nature enthusiastic personality. But I don't have to allow them to possess that power over me.

The Greys come. They are an old companion. I know to expect them. I see them coming in the shadows of February and March. But they are like Winter’s dreary final moments, holding on and resisting the brightness to come. And, they are only welcome for a short time. I use their dullness to help move myself forward and seek whatever is coming next.

Sometimes I don’t know what that will be … I think that’s my favorite part.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Holding Pattern ... Stuck in the Now & the Not Yet ...

Do you ever feel like you are circling the airport and uncertain when to land? Waiting for something to happen amidst nothing happening? For awhile your schedule is so busy you can hardly breathe …. Meetings, rehearsals, outings, commitments … you are over the top. You need a break. Then, you get one and catch up. The house is clean. The work is done. The commitments are kept and wrapped up. The projects are up to date.

Now what?

To me it’s like circling the airport and waiting to land. I see my destination but I have to wait. And I am no good at waiting. Boredom sets in as I wait for the next door to open. I grow restless. Nothing satisfies. I wait for the Control Tower to waive me in …. Will it waive me in or will the waiting just continue?

This is the week I’ve been waiting for. I have a big audition. I have been preparing for and thinking about this audition for so very long. I’m ready. I think. But I still have to wait. Wait for it to finally happen. Wait a day between the audition for callbacks. Wait to find out if I’m cast. Wait … wait …. Wait.

The world won’t end one way or another. I’ve grown in the preparation. Of course I say that now. If I don’t get it, I will have 24 hours to feel absolutely crushed before picking myself up and moving on to the next project. The next audition. The next show. The next creative outlet. The next get together. The next thing I wait for ..

This is one of those weeks that I want to just fast forward four days to Friday when this will all be over and the decision is made and I can move forward again instead of circling the airport. I’m out here on my own on this one. It’s all me. I’d just as soon it was over and the challenge met. But, no such luck, I have to wait.

When I have to wait, I am invariably caught up. I have reached that organizational point in my life where I really have nothing earth-shattering happening, nothing demanding my attention and I find myself craving any distraction I can get. When I have to wait, the world slows down. People stop calling. My Facebook notifications are null. No texts. No shows to watch or people to talk to. It’s as though the universe knows I’m waiting and seeks this moment to torment me. The world is silent and my brain churns.

But, I wait. The only thing I hold onto here is Hope. In waiting, I don’t know the outcome. I wait for what might be. What might happen. What might go my way. I don’t look at any negative outcomes. Those I deal with should they come …. if they come. I Hope I get the role … the job … the project … the appointment … the call…

So in this Holding Pattern I find Hope. And I wait for the day when the Wait is over and I can land … wherever I’m meant to land.

P.S. I got the part. After the interminable wait and two grueling days of auditions, I landed as Becca in Rabbit Hole. After a year of thinking about it and waiting for this week. After hours and hours of preparation and study and reading and all the analysis that goes into getting ready for an audition like this, I got the part. The wait is over. And now a new journey begins …